Note to fact-checkers: This article contains satire and elements of comedy. Please learn to decipher the difference between intentional humor and non-fiction. It's very easy, like your mom.
With New Year’s 2023 kicking off, it’s always important to reflect on the past year and resolve ourselves to become better than the year we were before. For me, I haven’t always been the best at following through with my ideology and liberty ethos.
This year is the advent of a new era, a new beginning. I will strive to live the lifestyle of a true libertarian! I will be taking the following measures to improve my libertarian credentials:
#1 - Take Up Gambling
Only weak liberals refuse to take risks, at least with their own money. To be a more daring and maverick Libertarian, it’s time I stopped with the bitch ass bets. It’s nice to have a little nest egg stowed away for the future (your 401k, savings accounts, and small investments) but if you want to be a real tycoon like Elon Musk, you gotta risk everything!
I’m going to take jr’s entire college fund and immediately pump it into the finest cryptocurrency shitcoins available on unregulated exchanges.
By the end of the day, I’ll be heading over to the local casino to play some high-stakes blackjack after I drain our federally insured moderate-risk money market account. I’ll be tripling my money by the time you clutch your pearls, balance your checkbook, and thank God you’re not a renegade, ass-kicking, iron-balls libertarian like me.
#2 - Start Using Illicit Drugs
What has a lifetime of scrupulous sobriety ever done for me? Every day I get up and go to work and get treated like shit just like you.
To be more Libertarian, I must start using hardcore drugs. Takes the edge off. First, I’ll find and smoke some good pot until I feel as balanced as Gary Johnson in an interview with Ann Marie Buerkle.
I'll need a good gateway into the hardcore fun stuff as our government warned us. I’ll exercise my bodily autonomy with enough DMT and Meth to make John McAfee’s ghost give me a giant middle finger.
Graduating to the next level of Libertarianism, I will be scouring the deep corners of the dark web to find the purest bath salts cryptocurrency can buy. Then onward to a life of blissful debauchery and never-ending delight. As Hunter S Thompson said, “with the truth so dull and depressing, the only working alternative is wild bursts of madness and filigree.”
#3 - Move to Somalia
To be a true libertarian, you have to move your family to a country that respects freedom. I hear Somalia is nice, but it doesn’t have to be there exactly. I can easily find a deserted island, a private jungle, or even make a home atop international waters in a swanky new sea-stead villa.
A good place where I and other rich guys can just stretch luxuriously without the nuisance of law and order.
Whatever it takes to get away from society and all of its nagging and whining and rules and taxes. All the real libertarians are flocking to Somalia, so we’ll start there and see where the future takes us!
#4 - Buy a Tank for My Front Yard
I’ve acquired everything on the list that Joe Biden told us we need to be safe from oppressive governments, including a new tank in my front yard. Now my arsenal is complete.
Dangerous criminals, both individuals, and the government will give it a second thought before trespassing on my private property. It is my property and I have every right to do with it as I please.
Nobody will come near my house now! The salespeople selling magazine subscriptions, the political campaigners, the monopolized post office trying to bring me my mail, little girls selling girl scout cookies, and even my friends and family have all deserted the property out of respect. Self-defense has never brought me so much peace!
#5 - Make My 4-Year-Old Son Get a Labor Job
I look at my 4-year-old son and I just shudder to think where his life is heading. Already 4 and he has no sellable skills, no prospects, and no value to contribute to the world. He’s lazy. The best thing to straighten up a directionless lazy lay-about? Hard work.
That’s right, he can be anything he wants to be, but he’ll have to start with nothing. A true meritocratic system. It’s time he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets his hands dirty and feels that pride of dangerous, life-threatening labor.
Ron Swanson was right when he said that “child labor laws are ruining this country”. True. America has gone so soft that every kid born there is bound to be a pussy liberal. The only way to instill true values and a solid work ethic is through manual labor. He will have his first interview on Monday at the local cobalt mining company. Time to become a man.
#6 - Buy Some Prostitutes
Now that my wife and son are both out of the house working to cover the expenses of my gambling and drug habits, it’s time to explore the pleasures of extra-marital bliss. Going to the bar to try to pick up women is cumbersome and inefficient. Hookup apps are fine if you don't mind uggos. It's free, but yeah, you get what you pay for.
The real deal is hiring a sex worker. They’re gorgeous, experienced, know what you like, and they always get down to brass tacks. Two consenting adults agree voluntarily upon a price for a service they both are comfortable with.
It’s easy. I simply select which worker I want on the app, choose the deeds I would like to pay for, and then put in my credit card info. Half an hour later she’s at my door and 2 minutes later she’s gone. Job well done. She’s paid and receives a 5-star rating, and I’m satisfied... then I can get back to my booze, drugs, and gambling.
So there you have it, folks. 6 resolutions for the New Year that will help me become the best Libertarian I can be in 2023!
If you enjoyed this or want to be further repulsed, check out 7 Signs You Might be Dating a Libertarian.
