21 Things You Should Never Say to a Cop

21 Things You Should Never Say to a Cop

Libertarian Country |

We've all been there, running late for work and speeding down the highway, hoping to make it before the buzzer, only to see those blue lights flashing behind you.

"Son of a bitch!" you shout as you pull over to the side of the road. Patiently waiting, you remind yourself to act cool and not let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash.

Remember, if you just shut up and be cool, you can fight it later in court. If you go crazy and act like a douchebag, you'll be late for work tomorrow, too.

When you consider what you'll say during the traffic stop, you may also want to consider what not to say. Here, we have listed 21 (hilarious?) things you should never say to a cop.


  1. Shh, keep it down, my kid is taking a nap in the trunk. Little bastard never sleeps.

  2. You look like the guy who gave me a hand job in the bathroom at the bar the other night.

  3. Sorry for speeding, I wanted to bang your wife before Big Tony and the other guys got there.

  4. Ha! Your name is gay, no wonder you're a cop.

  5. Sorry for speeding, my high is wearing off and I really needed some more crack.

  6. If you move that big bag of weed in the back seat, just be careful, there's an unregistered, illegally-acquired, loaded handgun under it and I'm too drunk to remember if I put the safety on.

  7. I had a dream about this...we're gonna fall in love after we kiss, aren't we?

  8. My goodness you're an ugly son of a bitch.

  9. You should call for backup, I could definitely kick your ass.

  10. You know, I thought about being a cop once, but then I decided to do something with my life instead. 

  11. Do you know why I pulled you over?

  12. Don't worry about that prostitute tied up in the back, she's already dead.

  13. Sorry for speeding, I shit myself 8 blocks ago and it was really loose and wet. Burritos and tequila got my ass good.

  14. You know what, officer? I like you. How about we take the rest of the day off, go to the beach, relax, and finish that bag of coke I have in my glove box?

  15. Your moustache reminds of vintage gay porn that was never released on DVD.

  16. Hop in, dude, let's go for a ride. This car goes way faster than what you saw.

  17. This is about that hitchhiker I stabbed to death and dumped out on the side of the road, isn't it?

  18. Yes, officer, I'm drunk... but not as drunk as your parents needed to be in order to conceive you. Wow.

  19. Do you accept bribes? I have 11 bucks, a half-eaten crunchy taco, 3 unopened hot sauce packets, and a few sips of whiskey left. Oh, and there's a mild sauce packet in here, too. I don't know why they put that in there, but you can have it.

  20. I changed my mind, officer. Go ahead and hop back in your car and we'll race. If you catch me, then I'll give you my license and registration. Sound good?

  21. Wow, you look amazing... and here I thought those shrooms were fake.


Definitely never say any of these things to a cop! We hope you found this funny and are still able to laugh.

If you enjoyed this, you may also like, '20 Political Pickup Lines That Actually Work.'

Libertarian Shirts